


Hogwart's Brightest Minds

by Theyna_Shipper



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But plenty of crack, Crack, Dont worry its platonic, I can't purge this from my brain so I'm subjecting you to it, Id like to apologize to my family and to God, Not as Much as some fics I've read, Other, They're really good bros tho, They/them pronouns for sorting hat, bros, i am so so sorry, under 1000 words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22485307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theyna_Shipper/pseuds/Theyna_Shipper
Summary: Being the only two sentient beings in Dumbledore's office, and being trapped there for most of the year, a deep and lasting friendship forms between Fawkes and the Sorting Hat.Here are the highlights of their conversations over the years.Some might say they're smarter than the headmaster himself.
Relationships: Fawkes & Sorting Hat, Fawkes/Sorting Hat
Kudos: 7





	Hogwart's Brightest Minds

**Author's Note:**

> So this is... kinda weird. But it's a headcanon I've had for sometime that these two would be best buddies. Idk, let me know what you think.

"You know, I meant to mention it before the feast tonight," Fawkes squawked (of course, all his squawks had meaning, but only Hat could understand him), "But I was thinking maybe you should stop putting passive digs at Slytherin into your song. You know, encourage school unity."

"That would have been more helpful when I composed that verse, oh, I don't know, six months ago?" The Sorting Hat did not have energy for Fawkes' nonsense tonight. 

"Oh, I must have had other things on my mind," Fawkes remarked, scratching his comb. "Well, there's always next year."

"I suppose so. And what do you think of the staff this year, my good bird?" Hat inquired. 

"They seem rather dull and normal. Of course, the endless parade blurs in one's mind eventually."

Hat nodded thoughtfully. "You know, there are precious few advantages to being hat. But I can tell when a hat is not entirely normal. And let me tell you, that Professor Quirrell's turban has odd energy."

"Oh, we've got another oddball of a DADA teacher? What a shock."

The two guffawed. This, of course, was standard fair for them by now. 

"So, Hat, are you going to mention this 'odd energy' to Dumbledore?"

They would have shrugged, if hats could shrug. "Few take seriously the advice of a hat, especially in regards to another hat."

"A true pity, especially when there are hats smarter than humans!"

"Was that a compliment? Surely not," Hat said. The two creature's camraderie had settled into that comfortable friendship of constant roasts of each other. 

"No, merely an insult of humans," Fakes assured them. 

"Ah, of course."

***************

The Sorting Hat simply could not believe their best friend sometimes. "You don't think pecking out his eyes was a _bit_ of overkill? I understand you needed to incapacitate him, but _pecking_? You have claws, you know. I can't imagine the Basilisk eyes were delicious?"

"I don't think you should say that until you've tasted them," Fawkes said demurely, cleaning said claws with his teeth. "I didn't see _you_ rescuing them with your beak and tears down there."

"My dear friend, how could you say such a thing? I delivered the Sword of Gryffindor directly into Potter's hand!"

"Oldest trick in the book, this isn't the first time I've seen you do that."

"I doubt it'll be the last. It's a good trick."

"Expand your repertoire, my friend. Far more impressive. Almost on the flamboyance level of, say, pecking out a giant snake's eyes."

"Well, if it's a flamboyance contest we're having, I can't lose to a bird that's literally _on fire_."

"No, you can't," said Fawkes, flashing the avian equivalent of a smirk. 

****************

"You know," Fawkes began, "I'd rather like your opinion on the Sirius Black matter. Since, you know, you're the only one who's seen inside his head."

"Ah, I'm glad you trust my judgement! Or at least my perception." Hat could be proud sometimes. Of course, they bore some qualities from every House, to make them an impartial judge. "Well, I have doubted since day one that Sirius Black was a criminal, which does make me wonder what he thought he was after on Halloween. But that boy was loyal to the core. I don't think he had it in him to betray Lily and James."

Fawkes bobbed his head. "Then who do you suppose did?"

"Well, my outside information is both limited and antiquated at times, but that Pettigrew was a hard one to place. He had some rather odd loyalties. Perhaps his situation would shed some light."

Fawkes chirped merrily. "You're a smart hat, but this is starting to sound a bit rather like a conspiracy theory. Make sure you've got something behind your claims."

"Mark my words, phoenix, we're far from the bottom of this."

***************

"I'm telling you, Fawkes, if the world had taken my advice about Quirrell and Black and everything else, we wouldn't be dealing with this! The return of Voldemort himself? Insane!"

"You really think that one hat by themselves could have prevented the Dark Lord's return? Pride goeth, Hat," Fawkes warned.

"My theories nearly always turn out to be right, you ridiculous bird! Maybe I couldn't have prevented it, but I certainly could have helped."

"Alas, they don't let hats testify at trials."

"A true flaw in our justice system."

****************

"It's an outrage, I tell you! I'm not Dumbledore's personal courier," Fawkes groaned. 

"You sort of are," Hat pointed out. "And at least you get to leave the office."

"Only to run messages, and let me tell you, the ministry cannot decorate."

"You're the shallowest bird I've ever met."

"I'm the _only_ bird you've ever met."

****************

"Leaving forever?" Hat whispered, close to tears (if hats could cry).

"For a long time. Without Dumbledore- well, my place is elsewhere. I am truly sorry to leave you behind after so many years, my dear friend. But I am sure you will continue to keep Hogwarts running smoothly, no matter what."

"I'll miss you very much."

"And I, you." Fawkes reached out his many-colored wings to embrace the Hat, before flying into the sunrise. 

Hat knows that the phoenix is still out there, doing good in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what that was...


End file.
